I'm trying to not be offended that someone found my blog by searching for "huge ass".

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Today kicked off Girl Scout cookie season! Yay! What better way to enjoy "Celebrity Fit Club" than by eating an entire box of $3 cookies? Now trans-fat free! Happy Girl Scout cookie season to one and all.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

fug wear

Urban Outfitters is trying to convince us these items are actually fashionable. Fight the power ladies.

drunks in evening attire

The Golden Globes were actually really entertaining last night. The best part of the show is when they go to commercial break and for just a second you get to see people get up from their tables to schmooze and you can see all sorts of bizarre connections and wonder how does Pierce Brosnan know Melanie Griffith and what do they have to talk about?

Highlights: Isaac Mizrahi feeling up Scarlett Johansson on the red carpet. Ryan Phillippe drunkenly yelling at Joaquin Phoenix as he's accepting his award "You owe me $220!" Reese Witherspoon telling the press backstage that Ryan and Shirley MacLaine are now best friends, because Shirley knows everything about everyone. Which means Ryan Phillippe will soon be blackmailing half of Hollywood. Harrison Ford bringing his drink onstage and then handing it to Virginia Madsen so he could open the envelope. And I love that Felicity Huffman seemed totally thrilled to be beaten out by Mary-Louise Parker (who dedicated her award to John Spencer) for best actress in a comedy show. And Larry McMurty thanking his typewriter? The man wrote the great American novel, so he can be as eccentric as he likes.

Steve Carrell, Reese Witherspoon, and Mary-Louise Parker: So far the Golden Globes don't suck. Yay!
Oh, and Nancy Walls should write everyone's acceptance speeches. That would make this show so much more fun.

I hate being wrong.

Okay, fine, so it's not actually possible to die from a sinus infection. You could not have convinced me of that three days ago. Although there is still the possibility that the dizziness caused by my antibiotics will cause me to crash my car and die in a fiery explosion. In which case, the sinus infection will actually have killed me, albeit indirectly.

If you're wondering where all the kleenex in the state went...

Rob and I came down with colds the week after Christmas. Immediately after finishing the bedroom remodel, we became sick. So all of the things we planned to do during our vacation, that we put off until the room was finished, yeah, we didn't do any of them.
So we're recovered from our colds, for the most part, just battling some residual congestion and drainage (don't you love it when people share?). And then yesterday afternoon, Rob starts feeling achy and weak, and wakes up with a fever in the night. And this morning I woke up with a cough, accompanied by chest pain every time I cough.
Rob is sure he has the bird flu. From all that time he's been spending in Turkey lately I suppose. But me? SARS.

The President's Reading List

White House spokesman Trent Duffy said "The president is an avid reader. He reads books of all kinds and stripe and persuasion."

Now why do I find that so hard to believe?

Yeah, but at least my socks don't match.

Our new loveseat was just delivered. We needed more seating in our living room and took the easy way out and bought the loveseat that matched our sofa. I now own matching dressers, matching nightstands, and now matching sofas. My mother will be so appalled.

snack attack

As much as I liked all of my Christmas gifts, I'm kind of disappointed that no one got me this:

What I Did Over My Christmas Vacation

It took about five days to remodel our bedroom. That's counting the days that we were really lazy and got a slow start, and the time it took to move all of our furniture in and out of the room. And the time it took to tape around all of the doors, and windows. And that short sentence doesn't convey how freakin' long it took to tape around everything. The walls have been painted with American Tradition satin in Autumn Sky, and the floors are Kronotex wood laminate in Heirloom Cherry. The baseboards were replaced and painted in a white semi-gloss.

I did the majority of the taping and cutting in (except for the ceiling). Rob assisted with taping and pried off the old baseboards. My mother came over and ripped out the carpet and padding, pulled up tack strips and nails from the concrete foundation, and helped with painting and cutting in at the ceiling, which I had been dreading. She also assisted with shopping for baseboards, and loaned us tons of supplies for painting and prying glue up from cement (who knew they made a tool for that?) which we didn't have. Then she came over the next day and helped lay the underlayment padding over the concrete floor. Then her friend Tami came to install the floor. My mother, Tami, and Tami's friend Frank laid the laminate flooring for the entire room while Rob and I said "Hey, that's cool!" and tried to stay out of their way. They also installed the new baseboards which Rob and I had painted. Then Rob caulked the baseboards once they were installed. All we have left to do is install thresholds in both doorways, and buy curtains.

Thanks to my mother, and Tami and Frank.

(More photos can be found here.)

I've been off all week working on remodeling our bedroom. Pictures to come soon.

Cyber Festivus Greetings

I was a lazy twit this year and didn't manage to get any Christmas cards out in time, so here's my virtual Christmas card:

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and much love to...

the Poiriers
the Seavers
the Gregorys
the Stricklands
the Kellums
the Schemms
Jennifer & Matt
Brian & Ainsley
the Bursts
Jimmy & Heather
Ben & Caitlin
John & Heather
Leslie
Nicole & Kevin
Shug & Kim
Jamaica
Kelley
Steve
the Roebucks
Michella
Emily
the Cummins
Cacedra
Susan
and anyone I might have missed...

Praise the Lord and pass the Little Debbies.

She's lucky I didn't post the one where she's "Strokin" all hopped up on Asskicker at The O.B.

Happy Birthday Sally! Sally (otherwise known as Nicole) is 29 years-old today. Wow, that is scary close to 30! I didn't get her a birthday present, or a Christmas present, or a wedding present. Mostly because she's been living in Prague for the last year and half or so. And she and her new husband are bohemian vagabonds who refuse to buy a house in the suburbs and stay put, so that I can give them tacky knick knacks. What kind of wedding present do you get for people like that?

Seriously, what is wrong with her?

Yesterday, Ann Coulter wrote in her syndicated column:

I have difficulty ginning up much interest in this story inasmuch as I think the government should be spying on all Arabs, engaging in torture as a televised spectator sport, dropping daisy cutters wantonly throughout the Middle East, and sending liberals to Guantanamo.

Jay Marvin, sitting in for Jerry Springer this morning on Air America read that paragragh on the air. Jay Marvin was of the opinion that like her hero Joe McCarthy, Ann Coulter has a serious character flaw. Um, try mental illness? Bitch be CRAZY.

Some dweeb on a Rotten Tomatos forum did not understand the greatness that is "The Chronic of Narnia" posted:

Okay, call me stupid and for the record I don't listen to rap music but why is this so funny. It was a little funny but I really don't get this for the most part.

And Malchickiwick, some really clever persona who is my new best friend responded:

The style of the rapping is "gansta rap" which is generally performed by muscular, rich, hip, black artists, and the subject of the songs is usually "thug life," which involves drugs, womanzing, being hip, and having a lot of money.

In this case, however, the rappers are two, white Jewy guys with unimpressive physical attributes and little money or fashion sense.

Their song is about watching a geeky fantasy movie for kids, cutting corners on prices, and other unhip or mundane activities.

Thus, the form of the song is the opposite of the song's content, creating irony. Irony is one way of achieving humor.

Lazy Sunday

Yo stop at the deli, the theatre's overpriced,
'you got the backpack?' 'Gonna pack it up nice'
Don't want security to get suspicious,
Mr Pibb plus Red Vine equals crazy delicious.

I reach in my pocket, pull out some doh
girl acted like she never seen a ten befo'.
It's all about the Hamiltons, baby!
Throw the snacks in the bag, and I'm Ghost like Swayze

Did anybody win in Vegas?

So wow, good thing I didn't place any bets on my "Nip/Tuck" Carver guess. Nobody could have predicted a Quentin/Kit team! And then to play wacky music while those two head off to carve their way around Europe? Amazing.

The Chronic Whhhat? Cles of Narnia

If you missed SNL on Saturday night, you missed the one funny bit of the season! Chris Parnell and one of the newest featured players Andy Samberg, debuted their rap "The Chronic of Narnia". You must check it out.

R.I.P. John Spencer. Better known as Leo McGarry on "The West Wing", John Spencer would have been 59 on Tuesday.

What are my Vegas odds?

I'm calling it right now: The "Nip/Tuck" Carver is Gina. Right? Right? Quentin has to be a red herring, cause dude is wicked obvious.

Edited to add: Vegas odds reported at 500-1 on Gina. Sweet! Now I just need some money to bet with...

The four most recent searches that landed people at my blog:

weevil on veronica mars (yay for Veronica love! And sorry Weevil fan, I didn't mean it.)

your an ass (Awesome. And I applaud your grammar choice.)

is danny and melinda getting married of the real world austin (Even better.)

http://queenkandis.blogspot.com (It's called an address bar, check it out some time.)

The pipe, it has been passed.

The Golden Globe nominations were released today, and it feels like the Emmy's all over again. I really can't talk about the movies because the only contender I've seen is Walk the Line (which is in the Musical or Comedy category). I do plan to see Brokeback Mountain, Crash, The Family Stone, and Pride & Prejudice at some point.

So the TV nominations: Yes to "Lost" being nominated for best drama, "Everybody Hates Chris" and "My Name is Earl" for best comedy nominations, Mary Louise Parker for "Weeds" (I haven't seen the show cause we don't have Showtime, but she's always brilliant so I buy it here). Yes to Steve Carell for "The Office" and Jason Lee for "Earl" and Zach Braff for "Scrubs".

No to "Deadwood" and "Veronica Mars" being snubbed all over hell and back. No nominations for any "Deadwood" (Ian McShane or Molly Parker) or "Veronica Mars" (Kristen Bell or Jason Dohring) cast? Inexcusable. Oh, and Lauren Graham, Julian McMahon, and John C. McGinley are probably used to their amazing performances being ignored by awards shows. "Prison Break" gets a best drama nomination before "Deadwood"? Are you freaking kidding me? Even "The West Wing" cast got snubbed. Now sure, their writing has really sucked in the last year, but Leo had a heart attack! That had to be good for a nod. And four of the "Desperate Housewives" women nominated? Isn't that excessive? I don't even watch that show and even I know Eva Longoria couldn't act to save her life. And to try and convince us that there's so few female comedic talents on TV that they have to waste four of the five nominations on one cast? And even if that were the case, I can easily think of four women on "Gilmore Girls" who are much funnier, and that show is a drama.

The Golden Globes voters are smoking the Emmy crack.

AFI names the top TV shows of 2005: 24, Battlestar Galactica, Deadwood, Grey’s Anatomy, House, Lost, Rescue Me, Sleeper Cell, Sometimes in April and Veronica Mars.

Finally! Someone sees the light.

I blame Elvis. Again.

As if I don't have enough embarrassing obsessions and hobbies, I have another confession to make. I'm 28 years-old and I watch "One Tree Hill". I just can't seem to stop myself. You all can keep your "O.C." and your "Laguna Beach", and give me a plain old high school drama set in North Carolina any day. I adore the trashiness, and over the top love triangles and melodrama, and the hallmark of modern teen dramas- a serious lack of visible parents. And what parents there are? Totally crazy and about as emotionally mature as your average sophomore. And this week, "One Tree Hill" did the impossible. They made me like Tyler Hilton, or at least his pop singer wannabe character. And I really couldn't stand him! The smarmy tool with idiotic hair and no discernable motivation for his actions. But then he sold his beloved guitar to help someone he'd wronged, and now I actually like the dumbass. Fuckin' Elvis.

Nothing celebrates the birth of Jesus like processed cake products.

I forgot to mention one of the very best things about Christmas. There is a God, and her name is Little Debbie.

Is anyone else cool enough to have a Swedish band named after them?

December Exclamations

Rob posted pictures of Christmas at our house!

Only 5 days until my very favorite Austin holiday event, the Armadillo Christmas Bazaar!

My sister Abby turns five in less than two weeks!

Nicole comes home from Prague on her birthday, December 23rd!

My Amazon wishlist still has three pages of gifts for you to choose from!

Last One to the Da Vinci Party

So I started The Da Vinci Code. I think everyone on the planet has raved about it. And when something gets that much buzz, I just hate being left out. I remember when The Firm came out when I was in junior high or high school, and it was simply huge. So I read it, because I just had to know what everyone was talking about. And to this day, I don't get what the big deal was. It was okay, but on the boring side. A Time to Kill was a much better Grisham novel.

Now I know, The Da Vinci Code has been out for a while. But honestly? I don't buy hardback books unless it's by an author that I already love. So I thought I'd just wait for this one to come out in paperback. But the damn thing just will not leave the bestseller list. It may never be released in paperback. So I borrowed a copy from my step-dad months, maybe years ago, and I finally started it. But I suspect it's not worthy of all the hype.

Am I wasting my time?

Am I the only one who noticed that on "The Real World - Austin" reunion special that Danny appeared to propose to Melinda with a donated ring? The vapid "TRL" host who led the circus thanked the jeweler by name. Which was helpful, cause Rob and I were wondering how a Real World alum (do those people ever get jobs?) could afford a such a shiny object.

I don't think this is what Al Gore intended.

What would we do without the internet? Without the internet, how would I be able to have an entire conversation over email about “Days of our Lives” with one of my oldest friends who is currently living in Prague?

Kandis wrote:
Rick Springfield is returning to “General Hospital”! Austin is back on “Days”! Marlena was married to some dude she doesn't remember! Belle and Phillip got married and had a baby! Except the baby is Shawn's. But now he's getting it on with Mimi.
They killed Cassie on “Young & the Restless”, but they don't show Y&R on the Soap Network so I don't watch.

Nicole wrote:
After all this time they're still not letting Belle and Shawn be happy together!?!? Phillip is such a drag!!!! And Cassie as in Nick and Sharon's Cassie is dead?? That's so wrong...

Kandis wrote:
Oh, and yeah, Nick and Sharon's daughter Cassie got killed off. And Belle and Shawn can't be together, because Phillip lost his legs in Iraq, so Belle couldn't leave him, after she decided for the hundredth time that she and Shawn should be together. But Phillip has robotic legs or some shit now.

Nicole wrote:
OMG I am laughing my ass off right now!!! It was funny enough that pansy-ass Philip lost BOTH (how tragic) legs in the war and now he has ROBOTIC legs!?!? Just when you think it can't get any worse... And why hasn't Philip's rich Daddy paid for advance stem-call research to be done in order to re-grow Philip's legs in a petri dish??? I should soo be writing this...

Kandis wrote:
Well I don't think Phillip would even have robotic legs if he wasn't a Kiriakis. He'd still be rolling his enormous head around in a wheelchair (and seriously, Phillip (as played by Kyle from "The Real World - Chicago" has a gigantic head). But Victor hasn't been around. He was on that damn Mystery Island with half the other cast for months. It was supposed to be like their big summer storyline, and then it dragged on for like a year. And various people were presumed dead at different times, including Marlena, Victor, Roman, Abe, Jack, etc. But now of course they're all back and alive and blah blah. Oh, except for Jack, who's dying from a mystery ailment.The best part about Phillip losing his legs in Iraq was when Shawn, Lucas, and Brady all mounted a rescue campaign and actually managed to get TO Iraq and to the crazy desert where Phillip's platoon was. The height of ridiculousness. That is “Days”.

Nicole wrote:
There are no words for that.... And I fled the country around the time that the Salemites were being deposited on some mystery island. I'm glad I got out while I could. Is that Chloe chick (didn't she date George Clooney) still on there???

Kandis wrote:
I haven't seen her lately, but then I hardly ever get to watch a full episode. I just stop for a few minutes when flipping through. The Soap Network runs “Days” reruns every day. I think Chloe was seen in public with George Clooney once. I don't know if they were actually dating, or if they were just standing near each other on a red carpet? Chloe was back from the supposed dead, with a huge ass ugly scar on her face that she was too scared to let Brady or anyone else see. But not letting anyone see her did not prevent her from wearing approximately 10lbs of makeup. Last I saw, Brady had FINALLY stopped playing sex buddies with Nicole (his father's ex wife, brother's ex girlfriend, and the actor's real life wife) and was going to marry Chloe, but she got cold feet at the last minute. Now I don't know what happened, and Nicole is now all over the returned Austin.

Best. Show. Ever. Redux

That was the most kick ass "Veronica Mars" since the season finale! What lunatic saves up that many bombshells for the last night of sweeps? That Rob Thomas is totally insane, in a good way. Meg is awake! And knocked up! Trina was the principal's illegitimate child? The hell? Duncan totally slept with Kendall, right? It's written all over him. Weevil and Logan are teaming up! And Mac and Beaver are gonna be the cutest couple that ever was. Oh my God, why am I still the only one watching this show?

And holy crap, next week they're going to kill someone!

Veronica Mars-athon tickets go on sale Friday... and I have no one to go with.

Austin can be ugly alright.

Our local NBC affiliate did a news story last night called "Austin's Ugly Underbelly" (watch the video just to see the apartment manager who's drunk or high or both). It was basically about one apartment complex in South Austin that's a haven for crack dealers and prostitutes. (And if there were any people in town who didn't know where to get either of those products, they do now.) At one point the reporter says:

It's the crack capital of Austin, a hotspot for whores and a haven for heroin use.

Am I the only one offended by the use of the word "whore" in a nightly newscast? It just sounds so judgemental. And that doesn't seem fair coming from the guy who got way too excited about finding condoms and crack balloons behind an apartment complex.

You look like you're goin' to a funeral.

We saw Walk the Line over the weekend, which is an insanely good movie. And there's one point in the movie where a young Johnny Cash is offerred prescription drugs by one of the members of his tour who endorses them by saying "Elvis uses them all the time". Fuckin' Elvis. And the audience titters, because of course we all know where this is headed. Not only were prescription drugs Elvis' downfall, he also apparently started Johnny Cash on the same downward spiral. It just got me thinking, who knows how many people Elvis lured to the dark side with his uppers and downers? Fuckin' Elvis. It's all his fault.

Veronica, Veronica, Veronica

I totally forgot to tell you guys (all two of you? three of you?) that my site was mentioned on Austinist last week! E was cool enough to link to my site as well as help spread the gospel of "Veronica Mars". However, I still don't have anyone who wants to go to the Veronica Mars-athon with me. What is wrong with you people?

I am geeky with excitement about Walk the Line this weekend. Why? I have no idea.

Blog at your own risk.

Last week I found out one of my fellow coworkers has a blog. The link was being passed around the support floor (not like wildfire, the gossip contained in the blog just wasn't that good) and it was said that she named names. So I checked out the blog, and she did name a few coworkers, including her opinions of them, and she did mention the name of the company. All of this probably wouldn't have elicited much comment, except the person with the blog has some enemies. So within a couple of days, there were rumors that the company might actually start enforcing their policies regarding blogs, and paranoia soon followed. I'm not completely ignorant of the fact that one should be careful what they blog about. So I try not to name the company or disparage them or my coworkers by name. I really enjoy getting a paycheck. I checked out my company's policy on blogging, and as far as I can tell it is basically: Don't blog at work. That doesn't sound too unreasonable. But still, in the last week, three coworkers have deleted their blogs, including the original one that started all the paranoia.

In the midst of all the rumors, I did a little reading up on some of the infamous bloggers who have been fired for their blogs, you know the ones: Washingtonienne, Queen of the Sky, and Dooce (as in dooced). I wasn't really worried about personally getting fired. Work rumors don't usually amount to anything, and I honestly don't think my blog is breaking any rules. Especially since I don't have any of the anger issues that would result from having a boss who orders Prada online at work.

As a result of my research, I've been reading the Dooce archives. She did a very thorough job of documenting her pregnancy, labor, and subsequent breastfeeding and sleep deprivation. However, as a result of her horrifying experiences, mine and Rob's parents can totally forget about grandchildren.

I do not understand people who talk on their cell phones while in a public bathroom- on the toilet. This is a sure sign that people are now slaves to the telephone.

Veronica Mars-athon!

The Alamo Drafthouse Downtown is having a Veronica Mars-athon! Complete with creator Rob Thomas and various stars! And the next day, they're premiering a new episode, before it airs on TV! And having a Q&A with creator and cast! This is huge. This is bigger than a Serenity premiere. Bigger than a Buffy sing-along.
Rob doesn't want to go with me, and I'm not quite geeky enough to go on my own. This is tragic.

Yo! K-Fed Raps!
"My prediction is that y'all gonna hate on the style we create, straight 2008."

We had a good number of trick-or-treaters last night, the vast majority of which seemed to be accompanied by their parents. But parents, please don't let your punk ass twelve-year-old boys go trick-or-treating without costumes and manners?

As part of the Austin Police Department's new public relations campaign, I suggest the slogan "Not Just Shooting Citizens in East Austin Anymore".

Use Nelda's Tailors at your peril.

In less that one week, I'm going to be the maid-of-honor (Or matron I guess. It's hard to know since all of the bride's attendants are married.) in my friend Jennifer's wedding. And there is the possibility that we aren't going to have anything to wear.

The bridesmaid dresses are being made by Nelda's Tailors on Airport Blvd in Austin. Nelda's is only open from 8am-5:30pm Monday through Friday and 9am-12pm on Saturdays. The tailors have had the fabric and patterns since August. All of the bridesmaids were measured at Nelda's by the end of September, beginning of October. A few weeks later, the bride was told the dresses were ready for us to go in for fittings. They never called the bridesmaids, despite having our phone numbers and having told us we'd be called when the dresses were ready. I went in to the tailor on October 22nd for my fitting only to be told that my dress wasn't ready, but the other bridesmaid dresses were. They were unable to fit me because the tailor, who works weekdays only, prefers to do that himself (no one bothered to tell the bride this when she initially made arrangements for our dresses to be made there). They asked me to make an appointment to come back during the week. The other bridesmaids who showed up for their fittings also found that their dresses were not ready. Jennifer (the stressed out bride) then called Nelda's and made arrangments for us to come in for fittings on Saturday, October 29 (eight days before the wedding).

I called that Saturday to make sure that my dress was ready for a fitting. I went in for my fitting to find that my dress was basically just pinned together in a few pieces, the only sewing done so far was a zipper. The other bridesmaid dresses were in similar shape. The tailor made some adjustments to the pinning. I asked if Tuesday morning would be too soon for me to come by for a final fitting (I was hoping to combine the fitting with a doctor's appointment so as to not have to take any further time off work) and the tailor said that was fine.

November 1st, (six days before the wedding) I show up for my fitting only to be told that my dress isn't ready and that the tailor is working on one of the other bridesmaid dresses. I was asked to come back at 4pm. Um, no. I actually work for a living and can't keep stopping by a tailor's in hopes that my dress will actually be done. At this point I'm going to have to work through lunch one day this week so that I can leave work early in hopes of getting to Nelda's Tailors before they close at 5:30pm.

Nelda's Tailors has caused numerous inconveniences, given the impression of total incompetence, and has pretty much outright lied to the entire bridal party. Jennifer's wedding is in six days, and she and her attendants will spend that time worrying that Nelda's Tailors will not finish the dresses in time.

Edited to add: There was a message left on my answering machine (so I didn't get it until I got home) November 2nd (four days before the wedding) letting me know that my dress was finished and could I come in at 1pm? Again, no. I work for a living. (I tried making it as a professional bridesmaid who has loads of free time to drop in on tailors, but I just couldn't cut it.) The message also said that they'd be giving me a $25 discount on the price of the dress. To make up for the inconveniences I suppose, or just because I'm super cute? They didn't say. So the next day I went in to pick up my dress, which was finished and does appear to fit alright. The receipt showed a discount of $20, instead of $25. But what do I care? At least Jennifer won't have naked bridesmaids.

It's Veronica's world, we just live in it.

How smart is UPN to run a new "Veronica Mars" episode while ABC ran a "Lost" rerun? And yeah, I know that the "Lost rerun" still stomped all over "Veronica Mars" ratings. Awesome episode! Lamb is evil! Duncan was likable! Keith and Alicia are fighting! Jackie was, well, kind of a bitch like we already knew. And Wallace... poor Wallace. Finally calling Veronica on her shit! But by God, that leaving town thing better just be a pre-sweeps cliffhanger. Rob Thomas, you are not allowed to take Wallace away. You can have Weevil instead.

Albertson's is afraid of the female body.

Portland Oregon Albertson's bans October issue of Seventeen Magazine. Apparently an article entitled "Vagina 101" and billed as an "Owner's Manual" is just too obscene for the female readers in possession of such body parts. Things I learned today? I now like Seventeen magazine more than I thought I did, and Albertson's even less.

Joss Whedon Kills

I finally saw Serenity. I thought it was very good, though mostly just a more expensive version of one of the TV episodes. (That's not a bad thing.) I didn't care for the fact that just about every funny line had already appeared in a trailer on the Sci-Fi channel, but the dialogue still worked. Though I'd prefer if Nathan Fillion just tried to enunciate. And Joss... I've forgiven Joss for a lot. Jenny, Kendra, Joyce, Tara, Anya, Doyle, Cordelia, Fred, Lindsey, and Wesley. But there is a point where the man has got to stop doing that!

The Mugshot

I won't let the lack of his usual smug yet pissy expression ruin this moment for me.

giant orange melons

I've spent a ridiculous amount of time today looking at pumpkin carving patterns and photos online, trying to decide what I'm going to do with my pumpkin. Last year I did a blurry alien. This year I'm trying to come up with something a little more interesting. At the moment, my uncarved pumpkin is sitting on the park bench in my front yard with a child-size posable skeleton next to it.

This Extreme Pumpkins site has some awesome ideas, although a few of them are a little too graphic for suburbia.

My favorites are the territorial pumpkin:

and cannibal pumpkin:

So what sick and depraved thing are you going to carve?

My blog is worth $1,693.62.
How much is your blog worth?

all the things I haven't done

I just started A Breath of Snow and Ashes last night. And yes I know I was having spasms about it weeks ago, but I couldn't start it yet. In preparation for the September release date of the book, I began rereading the entire Outlander series. And I was making pretty good time until Drums of Autumn (the fourth book) and The Fiery Cross (the fifth book). For some reason those two are pretty slow reading for me. Now this is not the first time I've reread the series, but I always feel the need to do this in preparation for a new book release. Mostly to refresh my mind on the details and whatever plot points or character issues that I had been curious about getting some answers to. So I preordered my A Breath of Snow and Ashes copy, because I had to have it the moment it was released, whether I was going to start reading it or not. But that same touch of OCD compelled me to finish The Fiery Cross (again) before starting the new book. And now I'm a few chapters into the pretty silver monstrosity (992 pages). So if you're wondering what I'm doing, that's it.

Oh, and I still haven't seen Serenity. Avoiding spoilers is a constant battle. We keep saying next weekend, and then we don't get around to it. I blame the Alamo Drafthouse for not showing it at any of the north theaters. How am I supposed to drag Rob to see a sci-fi movie without bribing him with beer?

I'm gonna be rich!

Or I will as soon as I send my bank account information to this spammer. (Email posted in its entirety, complete with fun grammatical errors.)

Hello,

My name is Mrs.Jennifer Wilson I am a dying woman who had decided to donate what I have to you. I am 59 years old and was diagnosed for cancer about 2 years ago,immediately after the death of my husband, who had left me everything he worked for.

I have been touched by God to donate from what I have inherited from my late husband to the you for the good work of God,rather than allow my relatives to use my husband's hard earned funds.I have asked God to forgive me all my sins and i believe he has because He is a merciful God. I will be going in for an operation,and i pray that i survive the operation.

I have decided to WILL/donate the sum of $1,500,000(One million five hundred thousand dollars) to you for the good work of the lord, and to help the motherless, less privileged and also for the assistance of the widows.

At the moment I cannot take any telephone calls, due to the fact that my relatives are around me and i have been restricted by my doctor from taking telephone calls because i deserve all thee rest i can get.Presently,I have informed my lawyer about my decision in WILLING this fund to you.

I know I have never met you but I have been directed to do this by God,and i hope you act sincerely.

NB: I will appreciate your utmost confidentiality in this matter until the task is accomplished,as I don't want anything that will Jeopardize my last wish, due to the fact that i do not want relatives or family members standing in the way of my last wish.You can send your reply to jenny_wilson@walla.com

Love,
Jennifer Wilson

Multi-tasking Shoes

My favorite brand of flip-flops has released a new style. The Reef Fanning has a built in bottle opener in the sole. How cool is that? This is the best spring break shoe ever! (And yes I realize that I'm too old for spring break, thank you.) I'm getting the pink.

It's rainy and cold (50's in Texas... brrr!) and as a result I'm craving pot roast, or beef stew, or chicken soup, and cornbread. Comfort foods! Now who wants to make me some? Cause otherwise my lazy ass is gonna end up with pizza.

Wow. Has there ever been a man more desperate to prove his heterosexuality?

Tom & Katie: Pregnant!

I hope she has a bonus clause in her contract.

As if the Arboretum area isn't crowded enough...

Rob and I were waiting in the slowest line of our life last night to pick up our 'to go' order at La Madeleine. Rob spotted a guy who looked like Dan from the Real World Miami. I turned to look, only mildly curious, because Rob frequently says things like that when watching TV, and it's always some random nobody in a Sonic commercial. But by some fluke, he was actually right. (Likely only because he went to the same university as Dan a million years ago.) Dan Renzi, an actual reality show celebrity, was in our La Madeleine. He's apparently in town performing in a play that I know nothing about. All these years of living in Austin and I have yet to actually see one of the celebrities who lives in Austin. I kinda thought I saw Pat Green on a flight to Houston once, but it was probably just another random fast food commercial nobody.

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The hell?

In other news: Martinis are evil.

Happy birthday to me!

I got an awesome pedicure this morning and this was was one my presents from Rob. Isn't it the cutest thing? Now if I could just remember the songs I wanted to download...

Last shopping day until my birthday. "Serenity" now!

Happy Serenity release date! Birthday week is awesome! I won't be going to see the movie tonight because I need more time to convince Rob that even though he never watched "Firefly", and he doesn't acknowledge that Joss Whedon is God (a title Joss shares with Rob Thomas), that he wants to see Serenity. I'm working on it.

"The Greatest Game Ever Played"?

What's up with the new Shia LaBeouf movie that looks like a misguided cross between "Newsies" and "The Legend of Bagger Vance"? How could that have possibly looked good scribbled on a napkin? And calling the movie "The Greatest Game Ever Played" isn't going to convince anyone that golf is an an exhilarating sport that makes people all nostalgic for some kind of Americana that never existed. That's baseball's job.

Oh, and "Lost" was also impressive last night. The show has the tendency to develop really slowly, with tiny explosive bits of development thrown in so that you don't even notice that the story has hardly moved at all. But last night was the first time the plot actually paddled backwards. I like how the "Lost" producers took all that goodwill they engendered last week, when they actually propelled the plot forward for a change, and just tossed it all away, while calling us all a bunch of suckers. Interesting choice "Lost" folks.

Holy crap! "Veronica Mars" has two mysteries this year! Who killed Felix and who tried to kill Veronica but killed Meg and some other random people on a bus instead? Awesome! And I love Charisma, and I think she should get any high school guy she wants, but she needs to stay away from Veronica's boyfriend. Duncan is a sweet kid, and the whole puppy love thing is very cute, but he and Veronica don't have half the steam she has with Logan. But nicely done twisted love triangle!

Veronica Mars, she's a marshmallow.

"Veronica Mars" premieres tonight! Finally! There is no containing my excitement. Who's at the door? What happened to Logan on the bridge? What will her and Duncan's relationship be like now? Will she and her dad get the $50,000 back? What's the mystery this year? Will the '09ers accept her? Do we want them to? How awesome will Charisma Carpenter be? And ohmygod, would you Nielsen families just watch already?

Old Navy is selling this abomination. I actually like the comfort of the Uggs and their many fake counterparts, and of course I surrender to the pink, but these are just wrong. Slouch boots should be worn only with stirrup pants or tapered jeans with superfluous zippers. I love the 80's too, but can't we leave anything back there?

And birthday week continues...

Happy A Breath of Snow and Ashes release date! The long awaited Diana Gabaldon novel is here! It's been four long years since The Fiery Cross, the last book in this series came out.

This sixth novel in the 15-year-old Outlander saga begins:

The year is 1772, and on the eve of the American Revolution, the long fuse of rebellion has already been lit. Men lie dead in the streets of Boston, and in the backwoods of North Carolina, isolated cabins burn in the forest.

Now that's some fun escape reading! My copy is currently in transit from Amazon and should arrive any day. And no, you can't borrow it until I'm done.

Funny hat time is approaching...

It's almost Wurstfest (the ten day salute to sausage) time again! Last year we experimented by having someone stay sober and drive us all home from New Braunfels, instead of staying in a motel like we usually do. But who is that fun for? I spent a good chunk of the day pricing motels and as usual, they're over-charging to a crazy degree during Wurstfest. The Motel 6 wants $85 for the night of November 12. Super 8 wants $90 and Holiday Inn wants $112. To stay in New Braunfels? Maniacs. Start saving up your beer money now!

First Birthday Present of the Week

My mother made me a sweater. What did you get me?

Contrary to popular belief, Austin cannot be hit by a hurricane.

Hurricane Rita is taking over Texas. And even though we live over a hundred miles inland, the stores are running out of bread, bottled water, generators and plywood. People are completely insane. We are going to have some rain and some wind. ACL Fest is gonna be nasty muddy. The power might go out briefly. The most upsetting part of that? I won't get to watch TV for a while. And I need to catch up on some sci-fi channel "Firefly" episodes!

It looks like we might miss the John Prine concert in Dallas too. We were planning to leave tomorrow after work, but my family is now worried that the traffic is going to be so awful that it's not worth it. I really hate to miss the concert. And I really hate to lose the $100 in tickets, since the concert has not yet been canceled or postponed. Feel free to join me in hoping that John Prine gets stranded in Austin (safe in his hotel of course) so that the Dallas concert gets re-scheduled.

Waco: Home of the Backwards Ass Hicks

Cups With Gay Author Quote Pulled From Baylor Starbucks

I want my three hours back!

The Emmys are a farce. "Everybody Loves Raymond" is simply not that funny. Patricia Arquette is mediocre. I love James Spader too, but Ian McShane could kick his ass even while drunk and doubled over from kidney stones.

That was one of the most boring award shows ever. However, the best part, was seeing Kristen Bell get some much deserved Emmy attention, even if it meant she had to sing the theme song to "Fame" while dancing in leg warmers and heels.

The second best part was watching Ben Affleck slump down so far in his chair, in hopes of hiding from the cameras so no one would see him slumming at the Emmys.

Happy fifth anniversary to me! Oh, and to Rob. He was kind of there too. Five whole years. So if anyone needs marital advice, feel free to ask. I'm now a professional.

Oh! And happy wedding to Nicole (she's the one to the left of me). She and Kevin have hijacked my anniversary to use as their wedding day. They're partying it up in Prague at this very moment. Lots of love! Bitches.

"The sky isn't really blue -- it's actually cyan"

Top 10 Reasons They Don't Like You at Work

Bastards. I don't really like them either.

"you idiots, they couldn't leave, they're poor"

Being poor means not having anywhere to go, even if you had a way to get there.

They knew the hurricane was coming, why didn't they just leave? One of my co-workers asked that last week. And I realized how very much I can't put it into words and make people understand what it means to be poor. There just seems to be some kind of mental block people have, and they just don't get it. You know, that same one that prevents Dubya from getting anything? They have some fantasy that even if you are poor, welfare (paid for with their tax dollars of course) takes care of you. Did you know that you can be really poor and still not be poor enough for Medicaid? Or food stamps? Or Legal Aid?

John Scalzi of Whatever: Being Poor

And this is why reality television should die:

“No, we did not think to put in the contract, ‘Do not shit on another cast member.”

Best. Show. Ever. Part 2

Kevin Smith loves Veronica!

"This is, hands-down, the best show on television right now, and proof that TV can be far better than cinema."

"In a lifetime of dedicated television watching, “Veronica Mars” is easily one of the five best shows I’ve ever dug."

It's official. Everyone is watching "Veronica Mars", but you. What the hell are you waiting for?

Why I Love September

The big At-A-Glance calendar on my cube wall (that I surround with a border of stickers every year) currently makes me look TV crazed to a Rain Man degree. See how the TV shows outnumber the rest of my life?

Sept. 9: My friend Shelia's birthday
Sept. 10: haircut appointment 11am
Sept. 11: my friend Jennifer's bridal shower
Sept. 13: "Gilmore Girls" and "Bones" season premieres
Sept. 16: Rob and I celebrate our fifth wedding anniversary and my friend Nicole gets married in Prague
Sept. 19: "Kitchen Confidential" and "Medium" season premieres
Sept. 20: "Nip/Tuck" and "My Name is Earl" season premieres
Sept. 21: "Lost" season premiere
Sept. 22: "The Apprentice 4" and "Everybody Hates Chris" season premieres
Sept. 24: John Prine concert in Dallas
Sept. 25: "The West Wing" season premiere
Sept. 27: Diana Gabaldon's A Breath of Snow and Ashes is released
Sept. 28: "Veronica Mars" season premiere (I can't even convey how excited I am)

Oh, and October? My birthday! And "Close to Home" and "One Tree Hill" season premieres! I am a sad individual.

After Katrina

Two paramedics relate their experiences after being stranded in New Orleans while there for a convention.

So we pooled our money and came up with $25,000 to have ten buses come and take us out of the City. Those who did not have the requisite $45.00 for a ticket were subsidized by those who did have extra money. We waited for 48 hours for the buses, spending the last 12 hours standing outside, sharing the limited water, food, and clothes we had. We created a priority boarding area for the sick, elderly and new born babies. We waited late into the night for the "imminent" arrival of the buses. The buses never arrived. We later learned that the minute the arrived to the City limits, they were commandeered by the military.

The police command center at one point directed the group (all of whom were on foot) to the Pontchartrain Expressway where they were told there were buses waiting across the bridge.

As we approached the bridge, armed Gretna sheriffs formed a line across the foot of the bridge. Before we were close enough to speak, they began firing their weapons over our heads. This sent the crowd fleeing in various directions. As the crowd scattered and dissipated, a few of us inched forward and managed to engage some of the sheriffs in conversation. We told them of our conversation with the police commander and of the commander's assurances. The sheriffs informed us there were no buses waiting. The commander had lied to us to get us to move.

We questioned why we couldn't cross the bridge anyway, especially as there was little traffic on the 6-lane highway. They responded that the West Bank was not going to become New Orleans and there would be no Superdomes in their City. These were code words for if you are poor and black, you are not crossing the Mississippi River and you were not getting out of New Orleans.

Thousands of New Orleaners were prevented and prohibited from self-evacuating the City on foot.

At one point, the community encampment they had built on the freeway so that they would be easily viewable to rescue efforts and in order to share supplies was stormed and destroyed by local police holding guns on them.

As we retreated, the sheriff loaded up his truck with our food and water.

All the law enforcement agencies appeared threatened when we congregated or congealed into groups of 20 or more. In every congregation of "victims" they saw "mob" or "riot". We felt safety in numbers.

After they managed to get airlifted out and flown to San Antonio:

There the humiliation and dehumanization of the official relief effort continued. We were placed on buses and driven to a large field where we were forced to sit for hours and hours. Some of the buses did not have air-conditioners. In the dark, hundreds if us were forced to share two filthy overflowing porta-potties. Those who managed to make it out with any possessions (often a few belongings in tattered plastic bags) we were subjected to two different dog-sniffing searches.

Throughout, the official relief effort was callous, inept, and racist.

Sent by Jennyfivetina

US News & World Report: The Cassandra of our times.

Big Blow in the Big Easy published on July 18, 2005 (six weeks before Katrina).

"If a hurricane comes next month," says Ivor van Heerden, director of Louisiana State University's Center for the Study of Public Health Impacts of Hurricanes, "New Orleans could no longer exist."

A recent poll by the University of New Orleans suggests that 62 percent of greater New Orleans's 1.3 million residents would feel safe in their homes during a Category 3 storm. "We're a victim of our own good luck," says Susan Howell, the poll's director. The city's high poverty rate is another hurdle; almost 1 in 6 households has no car.

New Orleans is more vulnerable today than ever. Development and levee construction have put 500,000 acres of nearby coastal wetlands under water since 1965, eliminating buffers against the wind-fueled spikes in water levels known as storm surges. Even a Betsy-like Level 3 storm, which has winds of up to 130 mph, is now more likely to trigger storm surges in the Mississippi River or Lake Pontchartrain that could spill over levee walls. The resulting flood could take months to drain. "You're talking about creating a refugee camp for a million homeless residents," says van Heerden.

And on September 1, 2005:

FEMA Director Michael Brown agreed with other public officials that the death toll in the city could reach into the thousands."Unfortunately, that's going to be attributable a lot to people who did not heed the advance warnings," Brown told CNN.
"I don't make judgments about why people chose not to leave but, you know, there was a mandatory evacuation of New Orleans," he said.

A mandatory evacuation? The word evacuation implies that there was some kind of orderly procession out of town. Not the mass exodus- running for the hills- days long traffic jam for those lucky enough to have cars to take them the hell out of Dodge.

Somebody for damned sure didn't heed the advance warnings. Hopefully, their heads are going to roll.

Sent in from Leslie in San Luis Obispo: California Legislature Approves Gay Marriage

"Marriage should be between a man and a woman, end of story. Next issue," insisted Assemblyman Dennis Mountjoy (R-Monrovia). "It's not about civil rights or personal rights, it's about acceptance. They want to be accepted as normal. They are not normal."

Who decides what's 'normal'? Wealthy old white men who care way too much about what goes on in other people's bedrooms threaten the sanctity of my family.

This is what it looks like after the apocalypse.

After Katrina disaster, survivors rely on primitive skills to stay alive.

The Aristocrats is a vulgar movie. There will be no refunds for anyone who is offended.

Rob and I went to see The Aristocrats at the Alamo Drafthouse Lakecreek on Saturday. The above warning is taped all over the place. We made fun of it while buying tickets. Who would buy tickets for the unrated movie and not know that it's about a really dirty joke? I wasn't really worried. How bad could it be? And I don't offend easily. But... wow. There are ways to offend that I hadn't even thought of. And if you're not shocked by this movie, then you're as depraved as Bob Saget. And damn is that freakin' depraved. Oh, and if urine, feces, incest, and bestiality (sometimes all at once) don't offend you, there's a mime.

He's tanned and rested, but is he ready?

The New York Times: Waiting For a Leader
"And nothing about the president's demeanor yesterday - which seemed casual to the point of carelessness - suggested that he understood the depth of the current crisis."

I was just flipping around and caught a couple of minutes of the Comedy Central Roast of Pamela Anderson. What was up with Jimmy Kimmel practically having to sit on Courtney Love to keep her from doing something totally crazy and Courtney Love-like?
Note to Courtney Love's drug supplier: Cut the girl off. She is not good advertising for your product.

Congress... Where do I sign up?

The federal minimum wage turns eight-years-old today.

The federal minimum wage has remained at $5.15 an hour for the last eight years. In that same time period, Congress has given themselves six "cost of living" raises totaling $24,500, raising their salary to $158,100. Yet they've left the minimum wage at $5.15 an hour for those they love to refer to, come campaign time, as hardworking Americans.

If an American citizen working for minimum wage works full time (40 hours per week) for one year (52 weeks) their gross salary will be $10,712. The poverty line for one individual is defined as making below $9,827. So our lucky worker is only earning $885 above the poverty line. Oh, and he very likely doesn't have health insurance.

But hey, passing a law to raise the federal minimum wage isn't as easy as you'd think. Congress was really busy this year trying to keep a vegetable alive and legalizing commercial space travel.

London Preston Federline

Britney Spears talks baby names. I would make my usual joke about her bayou trash taste, but Louisiana has it hard enough these days.
But c'mon!
"Or London Preston. Isn't London pretty? And, er, for a girl, I love Addison Shye. I think that's pretty."
Somebody please kidnap K-Fed and give that boy a vasectomy.

My birthday is in one month! Our wedding anniversary is in two weeks! John Prine concert is in three weeks! I'm helping to host a bridal shower in one week! That's all I got.
I have to move my cube at work yet again. Storage B it is.
New Orleans is gone. How awful and amazing is that?
I can't afford gas.
I wanna take a nap.

What Places In The World Match Your Personality?

My Test Results
Extroversion
66%

Emotional Stability
66%

Orderliness
73%

Accommodation
43%

Inquisitiveness

30%

Your sloan type is SCOENYour primary type is Organized

You are social, calm, organized, moderately egocentric, and non-intellectual, and may prefer a city which matches those traits.

The largest representation of your personality type can be found in the these U.S. cities: Salt Lake City, Memphis, Greenville/Spartanburg, Long Island, Sacramento, New York City, Seattle/Tacoma, Portland/Salem, Detroit, Orange County and these international countries/regions Kazakhstan, Luxembourg, Bulgaria, Thailand, China, Puerto Rico, Romania, Indonesia, Mexico, India, Denmark, Spain, Caribbean, Ukraine, Brazil

I sound like Rain Man.

What Places In The World Match Your Personality?

found at All About E

Continental Airlines hates Dr. Pepper and me.

We are back from our mini-vacation to Cooperstown, New York. And now we need to take a vacation just to recover from the traveling.

I hate to say this, because I'm pretty damn tubby myself, but- I wish they would go back to weight discrimination against flights attendants. Oh yeah, I said it. I had the aisle seat in the last row of the plane on our three hour flight from Houston to Boston. And as if it wasn't bad enough that the line for the bathrooms caused people to be hovering over my seat nearly the entire flight, one of the bitchy flight attendants shoved her ample hips past my shoulder at least a hundred times on the way to Boston. Her hips took up the entire aisle spanning between the seats on either side. And you know what? Mine probably do too, but I don't have to waddle up and down the aisles of the flying tin cans they call Continental Airlines all damn day. Thank God.

And then:
Me: "Could I have a Dr. Pepper please?"
Bitchy Flight Attendant: "We don't have Dr. Pepper" said in the tone of: "Cristal? Girl, please. This is coach!"

yay! more STUFF!

Ikea to Build Big Furniture Store in Round Rock.

In your face Dallas! Hopefully by the time they're done building the Ikea store, we'll actually need more furniture. Cause right now, we're pretty stocked up.

It's never too early to shop for my birthday.

I just realized- only seven weeks until my birthday! Aren't you glad I have a wishlist?

plane, plane, plane, car, lake

This Thursday we leave for a five day weekend in Cooperstown, New York (which I wrote about last year). Of course two of those five days will be spent traveling. On Thursday we have to be at the airport by dawn to fly to Houston, change planes, fly to Boston, change planes, then finally arrive in Albany at 4pm EST. Ugh. But anyway, aside from all that crap, I do plan to go mini golf it at the Barnyard Swing, still advertising itself as Cooperstown's newest attraction. For some reason, we didn't make it last year, so this year it is a must. I'm also being harassed by the mom into hitting some random yarn shop. Why? Who knows what textile hoarders are thinking?

But the highlight of the whole trip? The ready availability of Archway Dutch Cocoa cookies! We have Archway's cookies at stores in Austin, but no Dutch Cocoa. I swear, I've scoured the city! So I may buy them in bulk and try to smuggle them back from New York. Shhh!

Best. Show. Ever.

Joss loves Veronica! Of course I've been babbling about "Veronica Mars" for months. But Joss Whedon? The creator of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", "Angel", and "Firefly"? The man knows good TV. So watch already, geez.

"I knew we should have gone to Six Flags instead."

Families Suing City of Dallas Over Gorilla Escape
Okay, I can kinda feel their pain. A gorilla bite can't be pleasant. But long-lasting emotional trauma? Seriously? Like they're afraid to leave the house now because there's always the fear that a western lowland gorilla might jump out and bite them? They've had to join a therapy group for survivors of zoo mishaps? Are they having to take anti-anxiety medication just so they can watch Animal Planet? Okay, maybe I don't feel their pain.

I am an exacting perfectionist.

Below is my free sample horoscope from iVillage. For only $4.95 extra, they could have gone on for multiple paragraphs on these vague themes. I'm curious if everyone gets the same profile no matter what birthdate, birth place, and birth time they enter? Give it a shot and let me know?

Section 1: The Inner You: Your Real Motivation
Harmony and balance are your keynotes. You instinctively understand the need to accommodate other peoples' interests and desires, and you are always fair and willing to meet the other person half way. Tactful, diplomatic, and with considerable social awareness, you do all you can to avoid conflict and discord. You express a spirit of cooperation and compromise and often achieve through charm and discretion what would have been impossible to achieve by a direct, forceful approach.

Section 2: Mental Interests and Abilities
You are an exacting perfectionist with a clear, logical, analytical mind and an aptitude for work that requires meticulous attention to detail and efficient organization. Well-grounded and pragmatic, you tend to develop specialized skills and technical expertise in some practical field. Knowledge, ideas, and theories don't really interest you unless they are useful in a tangible way. You are inclined to analyze, measure, and dissect everything and to miss nuances, subtle shades of feeling and meaning. Your strengths are in your precise thinking, careful craftsmanship, and mastery of technical skills. You tend to be very good at what you do and critical of others' work if it does not meet your high standards.

plagiarized

Some 13 year-old girl in Washington ganked several of my entries and posted them on her blog-with minor edits, and you know, less punctuation, capitalization, and correct spelling. Here, here, and oh, here. Should I be flattered or offended? Am I now providing memes to the tweens and didn't even know it? Crap, now I just granted her profile request "oh ya tell your friends bout this site ASAP:) ".

Updated 8/15/05 to add: The child has changed her blog URL twice now in an effort to hide. She also deleted most of the entries she copied, which was actually a smart choice on her part. She must have had help coming up with the idea. Her blog has now moved to here. Oh, and I'm a slut! Who knew? My husband was somewhat surprised to hear this. And since she's changing her URL at the rate of four a day, here's the entry devoted to me:

"Don't go here
if i were you i would not go to queenkandis.blogspot.com
because she is a slut and she doesn't think straight and she thinks i have been
stealing her posts so really people do NOT go there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I don't really approve of people eating fruit in my presence.

Agent 28 at your service.

My current job is the longest I've ever worked in one place, not counting summer camp. I've worked at this company since we were less than a hundred people on one floor of our office building. We now have nearly 230 people, and occupy two floors of our building. The entire time I've had a name plaque on my cube wall, with a little plaque under it that now says 'Two Years of Service' (it'll be three years next month). And today, the new upstairs secretary came around and taped numbers to all of our cubes. After three years of service, I'm now "28". Awesome. I always wanted to be just a number.

Heard any good jokes lately?

I am dying to see The Aristocrats! The movie is one historically secret dirty joke told over and over again by about 100 of the best comedians around. However, the movie (now open in LA and New York) doesn't come to Austin until August 26th. It could be worse, we could be Vermont, which gets the movie in October. What's up with that? Is there only one copy of the film that is just being passed around the country via Pony Express?

My Old Man

Today is Rob's 30th birthday. Tonight he gets to pick the restaurant for his birthday dinner, gets Strawberry Shortcake for dessert (his request), and will get to open his birthday presents. Which he'd better like. (He's hard to shop for because he doesn't have a four page Amazon wishlist, like some people...) This weekend he gets a small birthday party with some family and friends, complete with BBQ, cake, and the beer of his choice. Spoiled kid.

This morning, he left to catch the bus to work wearing jeans and a baseball cap. It must not be too awful to be 30.

Things I Just Don’t Understand:

1. Algebra
   
2. Any of the current dance themed reality shows
   
3. The appeal of Mischa Barton
   
4. The $2 bill
   
5. What we did so horribly wrong to deserve Paris Hilton
   
6. How cold sores know the perfect inopportune moment to appear
   
7. Mary-Kate Olsen’s bag lady fashion style
   
8. Wasabi flavored chips
   
9. Clay Aiken
   
10. Twinkies (there's no chocolate, so what's the point?)