Merry Christmas Y'all

I don't want to be the one to tell them... but that present? Is actually for Rob.

Five Steps to a New You

My friend Nicole asked me my secret, and I thought I'd share it with you as well dear reader.

Kandis' Foolproof Method for Reaching Six Months Pregnant Without Gaining Any Weight*:

Step 1: Start out really chubby. So chubby in fact that your doctor tells you that you don't actually need to gain any weight while pregnant.

Step 2: Spend the next 12-14 weeks so miserably nauseous that the idea of eating, makes you want to dry heave. This step should actually cause you to lose 5-7 pounds.

Step 3: After the 3 months of all encompassing nausea, you will not regain your previous appetite. Even when hungry, nothing will ever sound good. You will be completely incapable of choosing restaurants to dine at. And even once you've ordered at a restaurant, by the time your food arrives, you may not want it anymore.

Step 4: Combine step 3 with pounds of enlarged uterus, amniotic fluid, umbilical cord, and of course, growing fetus- crowding your stomach. This will cause you to get extremely full very quickly.

Step 5: If you followed step 1 correctly, then your body will have trained sufficiently for your current diet of caffeine free sodas and Little Debbie products so that there isn't a discernible increase in caloric intake over your pre-pregnancy diet.

Disclaimer: Okay, so maybe it isn't foolproof. Every woman's body is different. And of course, no licensed nutritionist, doctor, or even husband would probably recommend this method.

*Participant was not financially compensated in any way for this testimonial.

This is what Christmas is about.

It's that magical time of year again. That special time when Little Debbie Zebra cakes come in the shape of Christmas trees.